Dear Hair,

I know it's not your fault, but you look horrible. Please grow back. Now.

Although on the plus side, this gives me an opportunity to rock the 800 baseball hats that I own but only wear on road trips or to sporting events.

Thank you in advance for your cooperation,
-c

Dear Physician's Formula, (revisited)

Being prom season, I couldn't make any last minute appointments to get a hair cut, so I went over to Ulta as a walk-in. The girl that cut my hair was really nice and funny, but she massacred my hair. I asked for a trim, just to knock of the nasty ends. I left six inches of hair on the floor.

It wouldn't be as bad if it the humidity wasn't 110% all summer which makes it curl tighter and poof. I think attempting to straighten it would be a vast waste of time. You know it's bad when your own father's response is: "Well, it (long pause) looks good."

Sigh. At least it grows quickly.

Anywhoo, after the slaughter, I browsed the store and stumbled upon F.L.A.T mascara! It was actually packaged as a "free gift" with F.L.A.T. eyeliner. So, for the low, low price of $5.95 I got new eyeliner AND mascara! I wonder if they're packaging it this way to get rid of the mascara because they are going to discontinue it or to get people to try it. I like Tink's idea of stocking up, problem is I'll have enough eyeliner to start a KISS cover band.

Maybe I should write an actual letter to Physician's Formula to find out. Hmm.

Dear Physicans Formula,

What the hell? Did you discontinue my mascara? Why would you do this to me? I feel cheated! I've looked at every drug, grocery, beauty, and mass merchandising store I've stepped foot into in the last I don't know, two/three months and do not see your F.L.A.T. mascara on the shelves. (Fabulously Long And Thick) (That's what she said)

I finally broke down and purchased your Mineral Wear™ Talc-Free Mineral Mascara... It's pretty damn good, but not as good as the F.L.A.T. Plus, I don't get to make silly jokes to myself about the name of it... other than how lame the name is. And it's slightly more expensive.

I checked your website, and you still list the F.L.A.T. mascara as one of the products you offer... yet I have not been able to find it in Houston, Katy, the Woodlands/Spring, Dallas, Denver, or Aurora. I'm outraged! OUTRAGED!


Thanks,
c

p.s. If anyone sees F.L.A.T let me know. I'll reimburse you. And buy one for yourself, it's amazing.

I love someecards.com

Morning Routine (Non-Hangover)

1. Pee
2. Start coffee making process
3. Smoke a cigarette
4. Drink Coffee
5. Chain smoke
6. Pee
7. Brush teeth
8. Shower
9. Contacts
10. Hair
11. Cigarette
12. Make-up
13. Clothes
14. Mess with hair again
15. Check purse ten times for cigarettes, lighter, cell phone, make-up bag, wallet
16. Shoes
17. Out the door
18. Lock door
19. Check purse again for cigarettes, lighter, cell phone, make-up bag, wallet

Another one of Kyle's cousins weddings

What is the most common compliment you receive?

Probably the hair. Strangers touch it. That's not acceptable, people.

Look. Don't touch.

Thank you.

What makes you feel powerful?

OK, this is incredibly vain, but this was the first thing that popped into my mind.

When I'm in a public place/group setting I always scan the room to see where I fall in terms of looks. If there are more than a few girls that are substantially more pretty than I am, I can feel self conscious. If I'm in the top 5 or so (depending on how big the group is), I feel pretty damn good.

Poor Old Otis

Something today reminded me of this story so I thought I would share it with you. It's the time Bobbie and I made $25 getting my truck towed for free. If you've already heard about it, sorry, but it's probably still funny the second time...

We waiting for the tow truck to come pick up Otis from Big Mike's shop and take it to a transmission shop. We were hung over and in sweatpants and huge hoodie sweatshirts, wearing yesterdays make-up, hair tangled to the extent that pony-tails could not tame it. It's 4pm. Hey, that's how we rolled in the MHC.

Anyway, I'm in communication with the tow truck driver who is running late due to a back up of proportions a small town like Denver rarely sees and he is freaking out. I'm slightly annoyed, but decide to wait it out rather than calling Mr. Rescue and asking them to send someone else. When he finally shows up, after about an hour of waiting he's very apologetic. So apologetic that there is no refusing the $25 he's insisting we "two pretty young ladies take and go buy some pitchers of beer". Pretty? Yeah, 18 hours ago we were smokin' hot, at this time however we look like something that should send an audition tape to Riki Lake for a makeover. I'm barefoot for fucks sake!

At this point in the story the lucky listener always says, "I wish I were a hot girl so people would give me free stuff and pay me." First of all: the tow was free because I called Mr. Rescue, the roadside assistance plan Verizon Wireless offers for just dollars a month, look into it. It's a good investment. Secondly: what part of dirty, hung over, sweat clothes wearing, messy make up didn't you understand? Also, the guy was not hitting on us, his wife was with him. Although, upon closer inspection of Mrs. Towtruckdriver, maybe we were his type.

Dallas Fashion

I used to think that the idea that Dallas was still heavily populated by debutantes and old oil money was silly, but with these arctic conditions brings the fur coats out of the closet and over her shoulders to let everyone know "I have a fur." It's not every day you see a fur coat, so when you do it leaves an impression. It is always the same type of women- her hair has been done. Done for years, but she hasn't given up on it. Her make-up is prevalent. And red. Her husband is scared. I'm not sure if these women want to be admired and possibly envied for their fur, but I'm thinking that they do.

I would never wear a fur, I think they are very pretty, and I hear they are warmer than a Laredo parking lot in August, but I wouldn't feel right. It's not the killing of soft cuddly animals, that's fine we can do that, I just wouldn't want the attention. I think maybe you could wear a fur to the opera or ballet. Or to a pornography convention. Or if you're hunting a hundred or so dalmatians. And apparently to Love Field in Dallas, Texas.