Puppy Puke Part 2

My apartment complex has become a thriving butterfly community.  There are little yellow ones and little orange ones everywhere.  I do not like butterflies or moths.  They used to downright terrify me.  If one came within fifty feet of me, I would scream and run.  Now, I flinch at at initial discovery and just keep my eyes on the little shit until I am sure it has traveled a safe distance from me.

Auggie loves all flying insects.  She catches them and eats them.  It is a handy habit when a fly or mosquito hawk finds it's way into the apartment, a hilarious habit when she bites into a stinkbug, and a stressful habit when she catches a bee or wasp.

The past few days, our time at the dog park has consisted of her gleefully chasing and eating butterflies while I play poker on my phone.  Every so often, I'll glance up because I get a sick thrill from watching my little exterminator at work.  Today I looked up to find her at the very back of the park, with her nose to the ground.  Assuming she was eating something she shouldn't (mushroom, dog shit, dead animal) I yelled for her to stop and ran out to her.

As I got closer, I realized she wasn't eating anything at all.  Just the opposite.  Poor thing was vomiting.  I started talking to her in my soothing voice, "Aw, baby.  It's going to be ok."   And that's when I saw it.

There in the small puddle of puke, two butterflies.  One little yellow one.  One little orange one.  Most elegant vomit ever.

Patios, Puke, and Panties

Back me up here, pet owners, there is one sound that will wake you from the deepest of sleeps. I don't care if you are passed out drunk, under the heavy influence of sleeping aids, or in a damn coma; you hear the cough-gag-retch of your furry four-legged BFF and you bolt straight up and are at full attention.

I can sleep through my alarm, phone ringing, dog jumping on the bed, hurricanes... but that distinct cough-retch-gag... I am UP. This morning it jolted me out of a "sleeping aid + head cold + 3 hrs shitty sleep the night before" slumber. I shot straight up, grabbed Auggie and scrambled. Shit. I'm on the 3rd floor. There is no way in hell I can leash her and get her downstairs in time. What the hell do I do? I've been awake all of 20 seconds, so my thought process is a little off.

I run into the bathroom and held her over the sink. That immediately seemed like a stupid idea. It was. She just wiggled and moved her head around no where in the vicinity of the sink. Think, Dummy! Toilet! I puke in the toilet, why shouldn't a dog?

She didn't like being held over the toilet any more than she liked being aimed over the sink. Bathtub! No... think! Oh, balcony!

I run to the balcony, sling the door open and as soon as she hits the ground- vomit! Yes! I am a genius! A genius in her underwear, standing on the balcony with the loud sounds of doggie vomit to attract the attention of the group of kids in the parking lot.

Good morning.

Dream on

I don't always remember my dreams, but when I do they're pretty ridiculous.

Last night I had a dream that I somehow went back in time and my family and I were on a vacation in New Orleans the day before Katrina would hit. Of course, no one would believe me that shit was about to hit the fan and we needed to get the hell out of Dodge. I was torn between abandoning them in search of my own safety or going down with them.

There was also a part in the dream where we were at a restaurant and wanted coffee, but our server refused to make any for us. We got into a very heated argument about this in which he said I could come back tomorrow and he would make coffee which just further frustrated me because I knew the whole city would be destroyed tomorrow and no one would believe me.

Auggie was with us on the trip (I guess puppies can time travel, too) and as the storm was coming in, she turned into a raccoon and started doing sign language to tell me she was hungry. I wasn't able to feed her in a timely enough fashion, so she BIT my lower stomach. It hurt so much it woke me up... or maybe I woke myself up yelling "OW! OW! OW!" Once I realized Auggie was not a raccoon and at the foot of the bed no where close to my stomach and the sharp pain ceased... I knew there was no chance of falling back to sleep and I should just get up and make my own damn coffee.

STD (Shit To Do) * Not in chronological order*

The boring list:

• Find dress for Saturday's wedding (Weds or Friday)
  
• Do not accumulate any more bruises, scratches, or boo-boos (and hope current ones fade) before wedding on Saturday
• Hair cut/trim. (Weds? Early Thurs?)
• Eye brows waxed (Weds? Early Thurs?)
  
• Meeting with nice lady (Weds 11:15am)
  
• Do not go to jail (Ever)
  
• Community service (No idea)
• Buy replacement cords for all the ones Auggie has used as chew toys
  
• Get rid of this cold. Do I need antibiotics?
• Update Auggie's blog (Coffee time?)
  
• Rabies vaccination for Auggles so she can stay in the best pet hotel EVER while I'm at the wedding because everyone I know will be at the wedding and can't petsit. (Weds 2:45)
• Give Otis a bath and vacuum.
  
• Take Otis to shop and figure out why driver's side blinker will light up, but not blink and fix brake light. (I already tried replacing bulbs, it's a bigger problem than that.)
• Also replace (glue) the rear view mirror than fell off of the windshield and scared the shit out of me.
  
• Get Otis inspected.
  

The exciting list:

• Pick up Wedding Date/World's Best Brother from airport (Thursday, noon o'clock)
• Dinner, drinks, and live music with parentals and WBB (Thursday evening/night)
  
• Watch Jacey get a pedicure or dinner or drinks or coffee or something (Weds evening)
• Drinks with friend who will not be named because they don't comment on my blog (Later Weds night)
• Kindly remind Scott to email me more than three pictures so I can blog about trip to Vegas.
  
• Hopefully meet up with Rhondy if she's in town (Friday)
• Spend lots of quality time with WWB and friends (Thurs-Mon)
• Ben & Tiffani's wedding! (Saturday)
• Get ready for Robin's Spring Break in Seattle!!
• Find a new book to read because I FINALLY finished one today.
• Come up with more exciting blog content
  

Ditziest Day Ever

I was down by the Lakewood Summit Compaq Church this morning and thought, "Oh, shit, I bet traffic is going to be ridiculous." Then I remembered it was Saturday. One.

I spent about three hours on the phone trying to find a kennel that would be open tomorrow morning (Sunday) so I could drop off my lil Augster.

I met the nice lady from the shelter so Auggles could get her last round of shots because today is Saturday and that's when she's out in Katy. You would think that all that would have set me straight. Nope.

Then, I took Miss Auggie out to the OKT to borrow my parents' printer and they were on their way out the door to go run errands. (I like to show up unannounced) My dad tells me they're going to renew the registration for my mom's car. "Can you do that on a Sunday?" "It's Saturday." "Oh, yeah. Well, still... can you do that on a Saturday?" Two.

We get back to house and I walk halfway towards the mailbox and turn around and go into the house. Mail doesn't come on Sunday. Three.

I ask Robin how her weekend was. She says, "It's just starting, silly." Oh, yeah. Four.

I check postsecret and am confused/annoyed that they didn't post anything this week. Five.

On my way to Target (second time today, I'm a ditz and forgot pretty much everything I went there to purchase), I drive by the TJ Maxx to see what time they close. 8pm. Lame! Why does everything close so damned early on Sunday? Six.

Thitry minutes later, I'm at Target and Robin texts me to ask what kind of vodka she should buy. I type, "You can't buy liquor on Sunday, you dork"... erase it and send a nicer reply after realizing I am the one that is the dork. Seven.

I literally look at the time as soon as I send the text and head to the front of the store because I think Target is about to close... because I think they close at 9pm. Because I think it's Sunday. Eight.

I drive over to Kohls to see what time they close. 9pm. LAME!

I go across the street to Wal-Mart, park, and realize for the ninth time today that it is SATURDAY and Kohls is still open... turn around and go back over there and buy some cute shoes!

I also nearly panicked this morning when I couldn't find my keys in my purse after valet parking my truck. Later, I spent entirely too much time walking in circles around my house looking for those same keys that turned out to be in my pocket the whole time. (I usually hang them from the deadbolt of the front door) I don't know what my damn problem is... I blame waiting about an hour after I woke up to have coffee.

How to Lose Friends and Alienate People

I'm pumped full of coffee and feel like I should blog. I don't know if anything good will come of it, but I'm going for it anyway.

I know I promised not to talk about the puppy, but I'm breaking that promise to say this: She's being a little butt. 98% of the time she is well behaved and adorable. 2% of the time she is OUT OF CONTROL. Read about it here. Also, she's growing so fast! She's all legs, she looks like an AT-AT Walker. (google it, non-geeks)

The lady I had the interview with last week called me this morning to offer me the job... a week later. I thanked her very much for the opportunity (to call the health department and have her shut down), but declined. She didn't understand. "Why? Did you get another job?" Yes, ma'am. "Don't you think you should have called and let me know?"

"I'm sorry, you said you would call me on Monday with a decision, when I didn't hear from you, I took it as an indication that you had filled the position."

"Well, thanks a lot. You've really put me in a bind here with your inconsideration."

Ok, fuck the high road, I'm done playing nice with this crazy person. "Ma'am, the truth is, I didn't accept another job offer. It's just, with all due respect, I do not feel like I would be a good fit for your establishment."

"This is a really easy job. A monkey could do it. I will train you." If I'm not going to use the high road, I might as well burn the bridge to it. "What?!? No, ma'am. Did you read my resume? Do you remember our interview? I know I am more than qualified for this position. I've managed places that brought in $70,000 weekly. No offense, but I doubt you'll see those numbers annually. Thank you for your time and good luck." I hang up.

WTF? I get up to refill my coffee and my phone rings. You have GOT to be kidding me. At this point all the other things I could have said are running through my head and I'm half tempted to answer and go at it again with her... but, I decide against it. I really wish she had left a voicemail so I could share it.

I hope that lady finds her monkey, I think it would be great friends with her rabbit.

Am I Getting Softer in My Old Age?

I got a puppy! Her name is Augustus, she's about nine weeks old and she's stinkin' adorable.

I'm going to be honest with you, I never thought I'd be the type of person that would have the urge to inundate their blog with posts like, "Oh, my gaw! Auggie is too small to jump up on the couch, but she tries to pull herself up and falls over and gets up and tries again! It's so cute!" or "Awww! Auggie is sleeping with her tongue out! It's the most precious thing in the world!".

And I'm pretty sure you don't read my blog for shit like that. But, I have that urge. So, in an effort to keep this blog adorable-free, Auggie has her own blog.

If you like amusing posts as told by a puppy and tons of cute pictures, you're going to love it. If that's not how you roll, stay here. I won't judge.