Patios, Puke, and Panties

Back me up here, pet owners, there is one sound that will wake you from the deepest of sleeps. I don't care if you are passed out drunk, under the heavy influence of sleeping aids, or in a damn coma; you hear the cough-gag-retch of your furry four-legged BFF and you bolt straight up and are at full attention.

I can sleep through my alarm, phone ringing, dog jumping on the bed, hurricanes... but that distinct cough-retch-gag... I am UP. This morning it jolted me out of a "sleeping aid + head cold + 3 hrs shitty sleep the night before" slumber. I shot straight up, grabbed Auggie and scrambled. Shit. I'm on the 3rd floor. There is no way in hell I can leash her and get her downstairs in time. What the hell do I do? I've been awake all of 20 seconds, so my thought process is a little off.

I run into the bathroom and held her over the sink. That immediately seemed like a stupid idea. It was. She just wiggled and moved her head around no where in the vicinity of the sink. Think, Dummy! Toilet! I puke in the toilet, why shouldn't a dog?

She didn't like being held over the toilet any more than she liked being aimed over the sink. Bathtub! No... think! Oh, balcony!

I run to the balcony, sling the door open and as soon as she hits the ground- vomit! Yes! I am a genius! A genius in her underwear, standing on the balcony with the loud sounds of doggie vomit to attract the attention of the group of kids in the parking lot.

Good morning.