One Step Forward, Two Steps Back

So, yesterday was set to be Otis Appreciation Day. We had big plans, Otis and I. We were to get a driver's license, registration, oil change, brake light, new cd player, and find someone to help me put the bed cover back on. If he was good, I was going to surprise him with a bath!

This is what actually occurred:

After a little legal problem I had, I was under the impression that I needed to pay a fine to have my license reinstated. So, I head to the good ol' VFDub in the OKT. I waited in line, was told I could not be helped there, given a phone number. Called phone number, told I was clear (yea!) and needed to go talk to DPS. Back to DPS, waited in line, received number, tried to read, distracted by loud blonde girl behind me on phone with her BFF ("Oh my god! Her facebook status has been all about Matt for a week!"), finally my number is called. Yes!

Oh, but the waiting doesn't end there. You're only sent to another room to wait. I finally speak with a nice lady that informs me that there's nothing she can do to help me, because I don't actually need to do anything until my license expired in 2010. What a waste of two hours!

It's getting close to five, I either have time to go to the bank or haul ass down to Bear Creek to get registration. I opt for the bank and post office. As I'm leaving the post office, I hit a major traffic jam in Historic Downtown Katy. Seriously. I turn around in a bank parking lot, and a nice old man in a pick-up truck calls out to me (I can hear him because I haven't bought a cd player yet) that my left brake light is out.

I reach for the two shiney bulbs in their package on my dashboard and hold them out the window to him. "I'm working on it! Haha! Thank you!" Since I'm already in the OKT, I head over to the parentals to borrow a screwdriver to change my lightbulb. I've been promised it's easy.

Of course not. After fighting with the last screw for 10 minutes, I shuffle into the house. "Daddy?" He finally gets the screw off and the damn thing still won't work! We test the bulb in the working socket, it's not the bulb that's out. BOO!

So, I head over to O-O-O-O'Reily's Auto Parts! I've stumped them. If it were the switch, both brake lights would be out. If it were a fuse, all the lights would be out. Must be wiring. Go to a mechanic. Oy.

So, on to the oil change. I'm starting to feel a little down. I've accomplished nothing. I have a gift card to Wal-Mart, so I turn Otis in their direction for an oiling. I arrive at 5:40, they don't close until 7pm. Fantastic! I turn my baby over to an old man who in turn hands me a 'pager'. "It'll light up and buzz like when you're waiting at the fancy rest-a-ronts. It's got a clip on there for your pants. Careful, though, there. It moves around alot." I fight the urge to shove it down the front of my pants for a cheap laugh and place it in my purse.

I've had just about enough roaming when the damn pager goes off and scares the piss out of me. I head back to Lube & Tire where I'm informed that there's a problem with my hood. They broke it! After the oil change service, the hood stuck about an inch or so up. They couldn't get it to completely close or reopen. I try. They're not doing it wrong (it's an older model, sometimes people have trouble), it's just stuck. The next 45 minutes I watch in frustration and horror as they bang, jump, and stick random tools in my truck.

They try to blame this on me. "If you don't open the hood often, it'll stuck." I don't think so, buddy. I've opened that hood numerous times in the past few weeks to change headlights, tires, and check the oil. And you just opened it to change the oil. F..ker.

The manager finally arrives just as they dismantle the damn latch. I tell him I'd like the service order to reflect that the hood was operational upon arrival, and was not upon depature. He agrees and says if I have any problems they will pay for a mechanic to fix it.

This is not what the service order says. It says, "Hood broken on arrival." LIES! After six revisions, I am finally handed a service order that I am happy with. Then pay full price for an oil change that took 2 hours with no vehicles in front of mine. I even had to clean their dirty oil hand prints off of my hood myself. Lame.

At this point, it's too late to call around to find someone to help me with the bed cover. I admit defeat and head to Mills in search of black dress pants. Steve & Barrys is going out of business again, and I found a pair that didn't make my huge ass look so huge for only $4.83!

So, Otis Appreciation Day was a complete disaster. It turned out to be Otis Abuse Day. So, I'm trying again. After a quick proof read, I'll chug the last of my coffee (and fight the urge to right a cheesy poem about it), jump in the shower and go to Bear Creek to register Otis and my dad's Explorer. Then a new CD player for our journey to Denver tomorrow. (I dropped the faceplate in a cup of coffee a while back.) Wish Otis and I luck!

Or Current Resident

Am I the only one that's offended by this? I sign up for a lot of free samples. A lot. I get at least one in the mail everyday. They are always addressed to me or current resident.

But the letter accompanying the sample always says something like "Dear valued customer" or "thank you for your interest in our product". I had the interest, not the current resident! I always home that a man moves into my former place of residence, checks his mail and sees "(my name) or current resident" and gets really excited that he's gotten a free gift. But when he opens it, it's tampons.

Dear Physician's Formula, (revisited)

Being prom season, I couldn't make any last minute appointments to get a hair cut, so I went over to Ulta as a walk-in. The girl that cut my hair was really nice and funny, but she massacred my hair. I asked for a trim, just to knock of the nasty ends. I left six inches of hair on the floor.

It wouldn't be as bad if it the humidity wasn't 110% all summer which makes it curl tighter and poof. I think attempting to straighten it would be a vast waste of time. You know it's bad when your own father's response is: "Well, it (long pause) looks good."

Sigh. At least it grows quickly.

Anywhoo, after the slaughter, I browsed the store and stumbled upon F.L.A.T mascara! It was actually packaged as a "free gift" with F.L.A.T. eyeliner. So, for the low, low price of $5.95 I got new eyeliner AND mascara! I wonder if they're packaging it this way to get rid of the mascara because they are going to discontinue it or to get people to try it. I like Tink's idea of stocking up, problem is I'll have enough eyeliner to start a KISS cover band.

Maybe I should write an actual letter to Physician's Formula to find out. Hmm.

Dear Physicans Formula,

What the hell? Did you discontinue my mascara? Why would you do this to me? I feel cheated! I've looked at every drug, grocery, beauty, and mass merchandising store I've stepped foot into in the last I don't know, two/three months and do not see your F.L.A.T. mascara on the shelves. (Fabulously Long And Thick) (That's what she said)

I finally broke down and purchased your Mineral Wear™ Talc-Free Mineral Mascara... It's pretty damn good, but not as good as the F.L.A.T. Plus, I don't get to make silly jokes to myself about the name of it... other than how lame the name is. And it's slightly more expensive.

I checked your website, and you still list the F.L.A.T. mascara as one of the products you offer... yet I have not been able to find it in Houston, Katy, the Woodlands/Spring, Dallas, Denver, or Aurora. I'm outraged! OUTRAGED!


Thanks,
c

p.s. If anyone sees F.L.A.T let me know. I'll reimburse you. And buy one for yourself, it's amazing.

STOP IT!

The next person that fwds me one of those "Why do you park in a driveway and drive on a parkway" bullshit emails will be punched in genitalia to be determined later.

I may start a new series of posts explaining these "hilarious" oxymorons, because really... REALLY.

There will be no year in review.

OK, so you have to start a new year by giving a month by month break down of the previous year. You have to. It's rule #14 in the Blogger's Handbook.

I intended to make such a post, but going through my notes and jogging my memory... everything seemed pretty damn depressing. So, there will be no month by month breakdown. Here's the highlights (in no particular order)

Finally took at vacation with Rhondy! We went to Vegas and had a blast despite me being deathly ill and her losing her ID.

My baby brother graduated from college.

I became general manager of a restaurant I had only worked at for a few months.

I got to be a groomslady in one of my best friend's wedding.... and I met Kyle.

Threw a kick ass surprise party for my parents' 50th birthday.

I played pool with Rhondy (she's helping me with this list)

I completed NaBloPoMo.

OK, that's all we can think of. Feel free to add something we may have forgotten.

Fry the bitch

THIS is why I hate Broncos' fans.


http://cbs4denver.com/broncos/local_story_330142546.html

Watch the video... goodness.

I haven't peed since Grand Rapids

Bad day... bad day. There are very strict regulations flying into Washington Dc (and out) and apparently it's been too long since the vast majority has been petrified into submitting to FAA and they think they are under the impression that because they are white and own a suit that they are above Federal Law and can do what they please.

Not on my boat.

I do not care who you are. What color/religion/whattheshitever you are. If you stand up and approach the flight deck after you have been told 8 times not to... haha... you will be reminded that interfering with crew member's instructions is a federal violation.

It's the nation's capital. Do NOT test me. I am hostile. And PMSing. And go ahead and dismount before complaining to a gate agent at DCA that you were not allowed to potty because they will recite the same FAA guideline I memorized. FEDERAL LAWS are FEDERAL LAWS. Piss when the seatbelt sign is off, or meet Washington DC's finest. I'm sorry that you make poor decisions. But it's law, and you knew that would be the case before we shut the door.

One of those days

3:30 Put HUGE glob of lotion in hair thinking it was conditioner.

4:00 Hair dryer in hotel blew a fuse.

4:15 Snagged panty hose- huge run. Didn't pack an extra pair.

5:05 Van driver stepped on my foot and put run ..2 in panty hose.

5:55 Random pat down by smelly, touchy-feely old security guy.

6:20 Ramper drops 10lb bag of ice dangerously close to my feet- it breaks. we're at a hardstand- so it takes forever for them to go back to Ops and get a broom/dustpan and replacement bag. Even though I've told them 10 times I don't need ice. Even had the captain help me translate.

7:15 Drunk passenger upset because I explained to him twice that he could give me $20 for a beer, but I would not be giving him change. He wanted the beer anyway. Then proceeded to harass me the entire flight- tried to trip me or stood up and pretended to be looking for something in overhead everytime I walked down the aisle, elbowed me HARD in the back/ass everytime I stood behind his seat to talk to the pax behind him. Pushed me into galley cart- run ..3. Harassed everyone else on the flight-even woke sleeping pax- to find change.

8:30 Hair mostly dry.

8:55 Captain forgets Gen Decs on aircraft. Wait FOREVER for him to run back and get them.

9:05 Drunk pax sees the FO and I standing by the employee line (still waiting on the gendecs) and comes over to harass me some more.

9:06 Security steps in.

9:40 Car in employee lot splashes muddy water all over me: Hair, face, uniform.

10:15 Held up line at toll booth because one of my quarters, upon further inspection, was CANADIAN! Argh. Cars honk and yell while I frantically search for change in my cup holders and wallet.

10:20 Able to laugh about it.

Reserve sucks.

I'm going out for four days... where I can sleep without an obese cat pawing me in the face, my parents' office phone ringing off the hook, men banging on the door at 8am to sell me their religion (boy, were they off), or the nervous half sleep because you don't want to sleep through Scheduling's phone call. Oh, and the anxious, "I wonder how shitty this pairing is gonna be" thoughts.

We're an on-time operation

Ha! At the end of your pairing is a letter that indicates how many revisions have been made to your schedule. I'm on L. L! This seriously is the pairing that NEVER ENDS.
I was scheduled to deadhead back to Houston and go to days off (three!) tonite when I returned from Lexington at 6pm. Well, LEX was delayed about an hour, but still had plenty of time before my deadhead... and Crew Scheduling (I think their motto is "We're not happy unless you're not happy") figured that out and assigned me an overnite in Kansas City departing at 8:40pm. And moved my days off. OK... I still get three days off, I guess that's not so bad.
Except it is now 9pm (Eastern) and we're still sitting here. If we depart at our new scheduled 10:05, we'll get to MCI well after midnite (Central), which won't be that bad because I've been on Eastern for the past five days. And it's not that bad of a show time- 9:55- I'm usually blessed with show times at least 3 hours prior to that. So, I guess it's not that bad. I'm just tired of sitting at the airport wasting time.
The past five days have been like that... obviously... or I would still be on A. L! Luckily tomorrow makes day six and they legally cannot use me anymore. I just want to go to the damned eye doctor because I need new contacs and my glasses give me a head ache. That's all I want. Oh, and I need new shoes. These are worn thin.
I can't wait to get off of reserve so they can stop just randomly assigning me things that make absolutly no sense.

Kitty ER

Yeah, so around 8pm last nite, I decide I want to cuddle with Lestat. She has three main hangouts: the chair in the front hall, a chair in my mom's room, or in the middle of the bed I sleep on. I track her down in my mom's room and carry her back to the couch to get ready for an all new episode of Degrassi (Shut up, I love that show). After about 10 minutes, she freaks out and scratches the shit out of my arm and chest trying to jump off the couch. Very unlike her, she usually will lay with you as long as you want her to. I don't think in five years she's ever scratched or fought to get away.

She goes into the dining room and starts meowing her head off, I immediately blame Roux and yell at her, but Roux comes in the room and Lestat is still screaming. Mom and I jump up and enter the room just in time to see her fall over and miserably attempt to stand up serveral times before mom carries her to her water bowl. She doesn't want any.

She's staggering and bobbing her head and can't stay on her feet for more than two uneasy steps. Goo goes to find the vet's emergency pgr number, while I try to talk sweetly to the cat to calm her down. I realize that she can't see me. Her eyes are darting back and forth. She tries to walk again, this time against the wall, but she's almost ramming herself into the wall and panting heavily. Then I smelled it. She shat herself. This is a very sick cat. Freaked me out.

The vet finally calls back and he's out of town, but thinks we need to take Stat to an Emergency Animal Clinic right away. So, Goo and I find Fred's old pet taxi and get ready to take her in.


Anyway...the pet ER is no fun. You can feel it before you even get inside, all the cars in the parking lot are crooked, taking up two spaces, lights left on, etc. Worse than the parking jobs I've seen at human ERs. Seriously. I started thinking how depressing it would be to work there. You're not going to give Fluffy her annual shots or Fido heartworm pills and send them cute little postcards when it's time to schedule a new appointment. You're only going to see Fluffy and Fido if they're dying.

It took about an hour and a half before anyone even came to examine poor Stattler (we did discover she weighs just over 16 and a half pounds) and they think she has Vestibular Disease. And a neurological condition called Ataxia which was causing her to fall, and Nystagmus which is casing her eyes to jitter.

She seems better today that last nite... she still can't walk or even really stand. But she's more responsive and the movement in her eyes has slowed down. She won't eat or drink, so I've been forcing water down her throat with a dropper and bribing her with tuna. Wasted a few pills that she vomitted right back up, but the try seems to want to stay down.
Poor kitty.