Are You Calling me Fat?

Emergency Situations Test: passed! Alfonzo decided that it doesn't matter was grade you got- as long as it's above an 85 you might as well say you got a 100. But everyone's new lucky/favorite number is 86. No one went home today. Or cried. It was a good day.

Today was Security Procedures which, especially following Emergencies, was kinda rattling. But also slightly boring. We did watch two of the cheesiest videos yet, though. When the opening credits came up on the "hidden weapons" vid and I saw 'copyrighted 1984', I knew it was going to be spectacular! But Mr. Parachute Pants Man did have some pretty nifty canes, cigarette packs, and cell phones that can pop a cap in my ass, so I'm not going to make fun of him. The other one was actually shot by ExpressJet using their employees and I want to meet the guy that played the hostile customer... I hear he works the ramp. He kinda reminded me of TW's friend Blake. Hilarious.

Italian for lunch today! Nice to have something different... The guy was scooping lasagna on everyone's plate and he cut the piece he was giving me in half. Gaby and I asked (yelled) at the same time, "Are you calling me (her) fat?" Poor guy nearly dropped the plate we scared him so badly. Then he felt so bad about it (I'm still not sure why he did that) that he filled the whole damn plate with lasagna.

We also learned a few self defense moves that I've already seen demonstrated around the hotel... I accidentally popped Joe (Levi calls him my "work husband"- has anyone else seen that episode of King of Queens?) in the nose instead of stopping short as I was meant to, so he pulled my hair, which got him a nipple pinch before I ran away screaming "Help, help!" as instructed while the trainer took a few lovely pictures of the whole ordeal (They're going to play a slide show at our pointless graduation.)

Tomorrow is First Aid Day! I'm excited... we're going to shock the hell out of dummies with AEDs, drag them around the simulator cabin, then make out with them. I usually don't go that far on the first date, but I guess I'll make an exception if he pays for dinner.

Also, the toilet in our room stopped up again so we demanded to be moved into a new room... and we got one! And it's a regular room, not a handicapped one! I love it so much I just can't can't get over it! Although, I do keep attempting to hit the light switches at waist level...

Naga Nooch!
-c

Day LUUUUUUUBY'S!!

Oh jebus. I just stopped up the toilet and called maintenance and Gaby used her evacuation training to block the exit so I couldn't leave her alone to take the blame, she crossed her arms and yelled "This exit blocked! Turn around, go the other way!" I finally gave up, but by the time the guy finally shows up, we've got the damned giggles (you know how I do) so bad that we're both trying to blame the obstruction on the other, but are laughing and crying so hard that we can't get it out. Then it took the guy quite a while to remedy the problem which set us to giggling even harder.

Anyway... today was a good day. Everyone wished me lots of luck before the retake and was really sweet. Everyone passed! And everyone passed the new test today, also! Yea, us!

Today was emergency/abnormal situations, which basically meant we watched a bunch of nasty/depressing videos/news clips about plane crashes. Not the feel good lesson of the week. Tomorrow is hijacking which should be just as uplifting. The good news is that tomorrow is Positive Check-In... which means we need our pumps, passports, watches, company ID, manual, and flashlight. Wait, that's not the good news, the good news was that none of us had half of those things so after class, six of us jumped in Gaby's Explorer and took a "field trip" to Kohl's, Target, Payless, Famous Footwear, Deerbrook Mall, then Wal-Mart. We had entirely too much fun and probably received a few odd looks or comments, but we didn't even notice. I think we all needed to let loose and be silly.

People kept asking "Who are you with?" We had fun answering this one, too. We had the waiter at LUBYS!! (I've been deprived for almost 2 years) convinced that we were a professional co-ed soccer team called the Pythons from Des Moines (they're still making fun of me for having to fly there) and were in the World Championship Tournament at the Astrodome this weekend, and he should come root us on if he didn't have to work. There was a balloon animal "artist" there and the waiter had him make me a soccer ball. Too fun.

Now it's back to homework and studying.

Hugs and kisses,
-c

Day I don't care, I just want to quit

Unfortunately, that was the theme for the day, some of us thought it... more of us actually had a breakdown and told the trainers they were "just going home". I've never seen that many old women and gay men cry since Brad Pitt got married. You may want to consider buying stock in Kleenex. We lost three today. Two failed their second test and one lady "just couldn't take it anymore" and burst into tears on the simulator and despite all our efforts to calm her frantic fat ass down she walked out of class. Trust me, this is a good thing for any of you that plan to fly, she was obese (we're talking old school Roseanne big. Star Jones big.) and I can't imagine that she could actually be anything but useless in an actual emergency. I would still like to know what possessed her to even apply to be a flight attendant as it clearly says you must be in good physical shape and must be height/weight proportionate. We talked four other trainees (FOUR!) off the ledge and convinced them not to give up... I don't now why- the more people that leave, the higher my seniority goes. I hate wasting time coaxing people back to sanity (or the general vicinity of...) F 'em- let 'em go. I want to cry and chainsmoke and do a shot of the strongest thing the nearest bartender will poor me for good looks and flattery (usually water), but I don't. I frickin' suck it up like a big girl and move on.

I, along with six others, will be retaking the exam at 6:30am. After class, I stayed with one of the trainers and she read the test to me and I answered EVERY question correctly without hesitation. She smacked me on the head with the test and said "YOU KNOW THIS! WHAT HAPPENED?" Beats the hell out of me. I only missed 16%. And I KNOW IT. I think I just psyched myself out. Today was hella stressful. At least I feel better knowing that just under half the class "failed" it as well. Study group in one hour by the pool. I've been appointed Study Leader. Damn Straight.

We did unplanned evacuations today as well. Which means we all climb onto the stuffy simulator with only one ventilation source way in the back and watch everyone try to escape from their jumpseat and remember the right script for the right situation while opening the right door/doors. Very overwhelming considering we were unable to actually practice anything but the dialogue. Then they throw you into the operation without even ever having sat in the jumpseat but once on day 2. You're freaking out cuz everyone is staring at you and you know it counts as an exam score. You get three shots at it. Shocker: I was the loudest one in class. I had to do it twice, because I drew water evac, but forgot to pantomime donning my life vest. I argued that I was a strong swimmer, but she wasn't buying it. Ehh... I would have floated up eventually.

Gaby and I might just order dinner to go and eat in the room so we don't have to witness anyone else freak out.

Muuuwah!
-c

Day Seven-Drugs. Day Eight- Smoke

Day 7, Gaby and I napped all day... finally getting up and heading to Kohls that evening because there are eight thousand things we need for class- watch, black pumps and flats, plain black purse. Of course e can't afford to buy any of these things because we aren't working, but we can't begin working without them. Ain't that a bitch? Anyway, we had fun looking at things we'll buy "later".

We put off going to Wal-Mart to buy food (they're feeding us crap) because we've been on the list to get a refrigerator for a week and haven't heard boo from anyone about it. I decide that it's my new mission in life to acquire one... so when we get back to the hotel, I call from the phone in the conference/study room and ask how long the list is and when they anticipate one becoming available. Oh, not for a while, they don't have any guests scheduled to check out in the near future. Not good enough. I go up to the room and call again. I tell the lady I just wanted to make sure that our room was on the list and asked how much longer she thought it would be. Same answer. "Hmm, is there anyway I could get moved to the top of the list? I have medication that requires refrigeration, and I'm concerned that the ice chest I"m leaving it in isn't keeping it at the proper temperature." She says she'll see what she can do, I thank her and go down stairs to smoke.

I catch up on the weekend gossip for about 10 minutes- that's my limit- and head back upstairs to share the interesting stuff with Gaby. "Marco had a prisoner transfer on his observat- HOLY SHIT! Hehehehehhehehehehhehehehe!"

We got ourselves a fridge! Bwahahahah!

Day 8. Holy shit. First of all, is this daylight savings time crap is unnecessary. Seriously. We set our alarm for 4:30 new time so our poor body and minds was convinced it was 3:30 and neither was very pleased about the situation. Class started at 6:30 with FlightDeck (we're not calling it a cockpit anymore, I can't imagine why...) Fixed Oxygen Mask Demo. Pretty nifty little contraption that thing. It literally suctions itself onto your face... funny thing about wearing an oxygen mask- for some reason you think it's going to breathe for you. It doesn't. Our trainer kept yelling, "BREATHE! INHALE!" and we would all laugh... until it was our turn and we forgot to breathe. Ehh... it happens. I would have remembered eventually.

Then we took an exam. I already forgot what it was. I only missed one question, though.

Then we all boarded the simulator, closed all the windows and got smoked out. Seriously smoked out. You couldn't see a thing but the exit lights leading you to the closest exit- I went out the Galley Service door, surprisingly didn't twist either ankle jumping out. I kinda wished I had gone through the exit window cuz it looked kinda fun to slide down the wing. Oh well... maybe next time.

We practiced emergancy evacuation announcements, but it was incredibly hard to get it straight because you listen to 95% of the people doing it incorrectly and get that stuck in your head. I'm still not entirely confident that I've got it down. We also have two aircraft exams tomorrow, which are hard as hell. Very confusing to learn two at the same time. Although, Jason just taught me his version of the 'mickey mouse club song' that he uses to remember what is stored in the compartment above the wardrobe closet. I don't think it'll work for me, but it is fun to hear him sing it.

Just walking around the hotel, you hear people screaming, "Bend over! Heads down! Bend over! Heads down!" It sounds like something you'd hear in Stipper 101. Which incidentally is the next training class I'll be attending if I don't pass this test tomorrow.

Oh, could I please take a moment to say Go Astros! Hells yeah. Speaking of my boyfriends, I met someone at the airport that had the Astros' star logo silver stud earrings. They were a gift so she doesn't know where to find them... I'm thinking Acedemy? If anyone sees them, I need them. NEEEEEEEEED them. I'll pay you back in 2 1/2 years when I pay off my uniform...

I suppose that's all I've got to say for now. Everyone wish me luck tomorrow, it's gonna be a doozy.

Word to your mother,
-c

At this point my brain is too tired to study anymore, so Gaby and I decided to set the alarm for 4:30 again and study before class.

Day Six- Observation Flight

I just returned from beautiful Des Moines, Iowa... if you ever get the chance to take a two hour layover there, don't. No, it wasn't that bad... there was no one there, but nothing to do, either.

My first flight was nice, the FA did pretty much everything they told us we should do and she even let me help her with the service. I gave everyone a muffin. :) It was nice, because I deplaned last and a lot of customers thanked me as they passed.

The second FA was a whole different breed of lazy. She didn't do any of the required checks, she gave everyone a bag of pretzels (to be more accurate, she walked down the aisle and asked people to grab a pouch from the large bag catering brings aboard) and drinks then sat down next to me and talked until the pilot gave the signal for final descent. She didn't collect trash until after she had instructed everyone to return tray tables to their upright position. Not very impressive.

I did get all of the gossip from her, though. She says that COEX FAs are dropping like flies. Going to bigger carriers that travel internationally or staff more than one FA per flight. She says it's incredibly boring and lonely to work solo. However, I think I may like the solitude... at least for a little while, then I can take my experience and get a job with Southwest! ;)

A lot of you seem to be asking the same questions so I'm jus gonna run through a few of them now instead of answering them individually (Lili is going home in about 30 mins, so I won't have her laptop :)

- We're not doing the swimming with dummies drill. We don't even have life vests on board for passengers because we don't fly 50 plus miles over water. I have a life vest... you use your seat cushion.

-Yes, all the guys in my class are "a little light in the loafers" as Kerry would say.

- No, you cannot come to my graduation. Don't ask me why we bother to have one if it's only attended by our class and trainers... but we do. What a waste of make-up.

- Yes, most of the pilots ARE really cute. Come on down to the Holiday Inn and I'll hook ya up with one.

- No, the other Fa's are NOT really hot. But still feel free to come down and look for yourself.

- Most of the people being asked to leave have failed two exams. You get one chance to retake, after that if you fail you go home. A few have left for family emergencies.

I'm probably forgetting something... OK... everyone have a great weekend. Call me... come see me... email me.... I'm pretty freakin' bored. :) Have a great weekend!

May the force be with you.
-c

Days Four and Five

I sat staring at this blank screen for a few minutes trying to figure out what i did today and what was yesterday. I think I figured it out.

Yesterday we actually got to get on the simulator... it's part of an actual plane that used to be the pilots' training aircraft, but one of those crazy pilots tore a wing off so they finished modifying it for him and put it inside our building. It is TINY! But all the seats are first class. All leather, all ample leg room. But, even for a midget like myself, the cabin is pretty low. I think I need to get pumps with a lower heel.

We also got to pick our uniforms, which wasn't very well planned. They could only accommodate five at a time and we had to wait until after class to begin... so we were already pretty worn out and close to cranky. I was supposed to be in the second group that went in, but the uniform lady decided to take all 5 guys in the class instead of us because guys typically take a quarter of the time that a group of girls would.

I joked that she didn't know those guys or she never would have thought that. Damn it, I hate it when I'm right. Those boys spent over an hour and a half trying on uniforms! As we were waiting, I told the four girls going in with me that I'm not shy and asked if they would mind if I just changed right in the main room since there are only two dressing rooms. We all agreed that that would be the easiest and fastest way to accomplish the uniform selection.

When the pretty boys FINALLY selected their uniform (They only have like 3 options as opposes to the girls' 20) the five of us rushed into the room and listened to the Uniform Fairy give us a run down of our options, sizing, and where everything was located. "We only have two dressing rooms, but if you're comfortable changing..." she looks at me and I'm already stripped down to my bra and undies. "OK, I guess we're comfortable!" Thanks to our spectacular coordination (throwing clothes to each other from across the room) and brutal honesty ("Girl, I just can't let you walk around looking like that. Take it off NOW.") my group finished in under 20 minutes. I hear the last group didn't leave for another 3 hours after we did. I saw the Uniform Fairy in the hall today and she told me that of all the groups in all the years she's been doing this we were one of her favorite groups. I must admit we were being pretty silly... but we didn't waste any time doing it.

Today was emergency equipment day! We got to play with all kinds of fun things and even took a "field trip" to Continental's in-flight training center to use Halon fire extinguishers on live fires. Kind of scary to know how many people couldn't do it or took a very long time. I pinched my hand, but still made great time. We also got to put on life jackets and pull the tabs to inflate them... yeah, I screamed. Those things have co2 and inflate INSTANTLY and loudly. I guess those were the most exciting items we played with... I mean trained on.

We also got our Observation Flight assignment... everyone got really short flights an hour or less, with only 30 mins down and then back... only being away 3 hours tops. Except me. I have to go to Des Moines. Flight is over 2 hours, 2 hours down, then back. I told my roommate I'd get a postcard for her from my vacation. Des Moines! I can't believe it. The good news is, everyone else will be on capacity flights while there are 8 confirmed passengers one way and 20 the other. I'll get to sit by myself. Bwahaha.

People are dropping like flies. If Gaby and I are counting correctly (probably not) we've lost 12 people this week, unfortunately Estella was one. She left today. At least I'll have a better chance of getting Houston as my domicile...

I met two of Gaby's daughters and her husband tonight... they brought Gaby roses and some white flowers that very well could be a Lilly and a very sweet card encouraging her to hang tough. They're just so proud of her and miss her so much it's really cute. Her husband invited us to a barbque on a weekend that Gaby easy schedules. Really sweet family.

I guess that's about all... Oh, we've taken 3 tests and I've spanked all of them with high 90s. Hope everyone has a great weekend!

Snooches,
-c

Day Three

Holy crap, today was a loooong one. Weighing in at 102 pages, policies and procedures is the longest chapter in our inflight manual. Because I am a genius, I completed the 35 question homework assignment as the trainer gave the lecture and knew every answer to the review at the end of class. Unfortunately, I was the only one with that bright idea, so everyone else is just beginning the very lengthy assignment, so I am very bored. This is good news for you, though... :)

I do feel somewhat isolated, everyone has already joined cliques and I'm not sure the one I fell into is the best one... they're all very sweet girls, but we are on different study levels and they are sometimes very hard to talk to. Gaby and I get along fabulously alone, but Lili dominates every conversation she is involved in. The thick accents and language barrier has resulted in a few humorous mishaps, last nite as I opened the door to the hotel room I hear Lili ask very frustratedly, "Why can't I get cock?" What? "Cock! I've been trying so long, I just can't get cock!" Again, what?!? "For the Canton Akron." Ohhh... CAK. They've also got half the class pronouncing domicile "dom-a-silly".

I did meet a few hospitable pilot trainees that invited me to hang out with them if I get bored. It would kind of be nice to sail away from the flight attendant estrogen ocean, but I don't think "hang out" means the same thing to them as it does to us, as the extender of the invitation was sporting a shirt that read "Pilots keep it up longer" under the picture of an ascending plane. And let's face it... I"m pretty freakin' hot.

We took our first exam this morning- out of 100 questions, I missed 4. Reviewing the test, two of the questions I missed I knew the answers to, I just f'd up and marked the wrong letter. Oops. Guess I'll slow down a bit for the next one. Today's material still seems pretty cut and dry/common sense... I'm anxious to get to a lesson that is challenging. Or at least somewhat interesting.

We get weekends off, but either Saturday or Sunday we must take an "Observation Flight", which is pretty much just what it sounds like. We won't find out when or where we're flying until Friday. It'll be nice to do something other than hang around the Holiday Inn or sit in class.

It is nice to be back in Houston, ohh how I missed Mattress Mac, Marvin Zindler, and my Astros (anyone want to take me to opening day? :). I wonder what airline they use...

Hugs and kisses,
-c

Day Two

Fear not, you haven't missed anything, there was no Day One report. I'll include that in this, too. Feel better? May I continue?

Ok, then. Sunday... we'll call that day .5 since all that occurred was checking into the hotel and meeting my new heterosexual life mate for the next four weeks. Her name is Gabriella, we call her Gaby. She calls me meha, as her daughter's name is (you guessed it) Cecilia. She's super nice and down to earth, as we were unpacking she announced her belongings and told me I could borrow them at anytime. Of course, I told her if she touched anything of mine, I'd kick her ass.
I was slightly concerned that two curly headed females attempting to get ready for the same class would be a nitemare every morning, but our schedule is flawless. The alarm emits it's shrill beep at 5am, I go downstairs for coffee (bigger cups than the ones provided in the room) and smoke a "Good morning" cigarette. By the time I make it back up to the third floor, she's out of the shower and it's my turn to jump in.
Instead of squishing ourselves on the Holiday Inn shuttle we hop in Otis and cruise just up the street to Continental's training center. We arrive 30 minutes before class starts so we have plenty of time to eat the nasty bagged breakfast (I've never heard/imagined such a thing). I only eat a small teeth endangering granola bar and fruit, unless it's red apples... cuz only witches like those and I give the Fruit Loops to whomever will accept them... freaks.
Day one was more of an orientation than class. Very long and boring. The highlight was definitely meeting President and CEO Jim Ream who has a killer sense of humor and spoke very freely and frankly. He was not shy with the "S word"... but didn't use it gratuitously, either. I think the fact that you just wouldn't expect that language from that guy was the only reason anyone noticed it. Either way, he was a really funny guy. Gaby and I met two girls, Lili and Estella who have become our study buddies. They all speak Spanish, so I'll know the material bilingually. OK, not really... but I've learned some really fun curse words.
Day two was much better. The interaction kept us awake as opposed to sponging the previous day. We got our seniority numbers- there are 51 people I must kill to move to the top of the list. We got our first homework assignment (I finished in record time, but then again, only two of our study group speak the language used in the assignment.) and reviewed material for our first test tomorrow. 100 questions, multiple choice. 85% and better passes.
Haven\'t really met many other people I can converse with. I\'m fairly surprised and disappointed that the majority of the other trainees just don\'t seem to have the sense they were born with. But they\'re all sweet, bless their dumb little hearts.I suppose that is all I have to report at this point and time. If you\'re lucky I\'ll send similar reports daily.

xoxo
-c